Tuesday, May 16, 2006

when i grow up...


smart baby is almost one- that is a big milestone a big milestone in the life of a "recovering infertile" (as Rachelle aptly describes it) I had to get this off my chest so his birthday honorarium wouldn't be so "heavy". For those who don't know all the sordid details of my life yet- I had 3 grueling years of secondary infertility in the form of recurrent pregnancy loss. It was an emotional trauma I could have never imagined as a little girl saying "when i grow up i am going to....". Sometimes hard things hit us, really hard things, things that alter us and utterly change us in ways we could never imagine.

My story- I was a medical mystery- no one could figure out why i kept losing perfect looking pregnancies (heartbeats at 8 weeks, good u/s, normal karyotypes, all tests normal). Each time they thought- really this shouldn't happen again- but it did. My doctors were dumbfounded. Why was this happening to a woman in her mid twenties who had successfully carried her first pregnancy. Meanwhile I floundered in the absolute despair of so many losses, wondering how there could be no answers. I tried to get through things the only way i knew how- by giving back. I started volunteering for RESOLVE (Natl infertility Organization) writing articles (using all those great professional "coping skills" for those experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss) and leading pregnancy loss drop-in support groups. I did want to be the person who wrote the rosy articles you always read that always have a happy ending. I had to be the one to sit across from you and be able to feel your pain, not remember the faded pain of the past. I had to make sense of it all in the middle of all the darkness, without the ending-- happy or sad. I had to make my own hard peace out of all the cliches-- meaning of life, why bad things happen to good people, and why you get hit when you are already down. I did. I hope that is the hardest thing i ever encounter, i don't know that it will be and to be honest the thought of anything harder terrifies me (yes you can't escape a trauma like that without a little emotional fragility). I learned one lesson though-- "When I grow up... i will experience things that will break and tear me down into pieces but will build me again stronger"

(to finish my story smart baby came only after the work of a smart pathologist in NY, more tests, and the great care of a perinatalogist and OBGYN --oh yah and how can i forget, and endless barrage of drugs, lovenox injection 2x a day, and gagging down 15 pills each day, amid my vomitting, and 40 weeks of being so scared out of my mind-until i held my 9lb 9 oz baby boy in my arms!)

The graphic is my plug for a great product from Smart Women (my favorite kitschy stuff) to support RESOLVE and other women out there learning the hard lessons of "when i grow up".

9 comments:

EvaRob said...

just found your site via DYM. Beautifully written, and I will pass on the info to a dear friend I know will appreciate the resources. Thanks...

Julie said...

What a blessing your volunteering, dedication and support must be to others. Just sad it had to come through your pain.

Rachelle said...

Oh you brought tears to my eyes. I am so proud of you for volunteering during such a difficuly time. And like you, I often wonder if infertility will be the hardest thing I go through . . . because the thought of something harder terrifies me. I think people like you and I will be recovering infertiles for quite some time. It never quite goes away does it? Thank goodness for miracle babies though!

Nettie said...

I am very impressed with how you take the challenges that come to you and, not only manage to survive them yourself, but actively volunteer and support others along the way! I also think it is good of you to share this. We don't often share our pregnancy losses with others, so people often don't understand it or know they are not alone if it happens to them.

ShelahBooksIt said...

smartmama is an awesome listening ear-- even when it's only been a couple of months of trying and you're feeling stressed.

Lei said...

You're amazing, Les. Not many people are able to take their challenge and face it so courageously!

Gabriela said...

I can't believe you went through all of that. Once again I am impressed with your involving yourself so much in the causes you care about. I'm so glad you got your Smart Baby.

Jessica said...

Beautifully written. I love your Smart Baby! What a beautiful boy, a wonderful blessing!

Jane said...

I wish we would of met when I was going through all of my m/c too.

My Dad loved to tell me about the refiners fire, and how in the end I would be pure gold for going through my struggles. It is true, our trails do mold us and shape us into wonderful daughters of God.

I loved your post, and could relate to the things you went through.