Tuesday, May 16, 2006
when i grow up...
smart baby is almost one- that is a big milestone a big milestone in the life of a "recovering infertile" (as Rachelle aptly describes it) I had to get this off my chest so his birthday honorarium wouldn't be so "heavy". For those who don't know all the sordid details of my life yet- I had 3 grueling years of secondary infertility in the form of recurrent pregnancy loss. It was an emotional trauma I could have never imagined as a little girl saying "when i grow up i am going to....". Sometimes hard things hit us, really hard things, things that alter us and utterly change us in ways we could never imagine.
My story- I was a medical mystery- no one could figure out why i kept losing perfect looking pregnancies (heartbeats at 8 weeks, good u/s, normal karyotypes, all tests normal). Each time they thought- really this shouldn't happen again- but it did. My doctors were dumbfounded. Why was this happening to a woman in her mid twenties who had successfully carried her first pregnancy. Meanwhile I floundered in the absolute despair of so many losses, wondering how there could be no answers. I tried to get through things the only way i knew how- by giving back. I started volunteering for RESOLVE (Natl infertility Organization) writing articles (using all those great professional "coping skills" for those experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss) and leading pregnancy loss drop-in support groups. I did want to be the person who wrote the rosy articles you always read that always have a happy ending. I had to be the one to sit across from you and be able to feel your pain, not remember the faded pain of the past. I had to make sense of it all in the middle of all the darkness, without the ending-- happy or sad. I had to make my own hard peace out of all the cliches-- meaning of life, why bad things happen to good people, and why you get hit when you are already down. I did. I hope that is the hardest thing i ever encounter, i don't know that it will be and to be honest the thought of anything harder terrifies me (yes you can't escape a trauma like that without a little emotional fragility). I learned one lesson though-- "When I grow up... i will experience things that will break and tear me down into pieces but will build me again stronger"
(to finish my story smart baby came only after the work of a smart pathologist in NY, more tests, and the great care of a perinatalogist and OBGYN --oh yah and how can i forget, and endless barrage of drugs, lovenox injection 2x a day, and gagging down 15 pills each day, amid my vomitting, and 40 weeks of being so scared out of my mind-until i held my 9lb 9 oz baby boy in my arms!)
The graphic is my plug for a great product from Smart Women (my favorite kitschy stuff) to support RESOLVE and other women out there learning the hard lessons of "when i grow up".