Sunday, June 21, 2009

A portrait of me

If you really want to know me - you need only look as far as my fridge- the outside of it that is. It is a microcosm of my world. Sadly, the top of my fridge is the single most disastrous places in my house... why... well it is over 6 feet in the air and so it is the repository for anything I have to put out of reach of my children- it is the safe house for errantly used things, short of locking it in the bathroom, laundry room, or attic. I am after all mom to 3 boys. One being forgetful, another lacking impulse control around treats, and one next mt Everest climber.

The outside well who knows why- its a random assortment?
so the other day I inventoried my fridge... Here is what I found.

-10$ gap rewards certificate (thanks to my t-shirt buying)
-town beach pass (if summer ever comes)
-2 oil pastel, 1 watercolor by 4 yr old
-Wasatch South Lacrosse magnet (the club team I played on when I was at BYU)
-"smart women put it in writing" notepad (with grocery list and propaganda- husband should love me)
-watkins vanilla magnet- came as a shower gift 10 yrs ago?
-If you can Bake a cake you can make a bomb postcard- (my all time classic favorite- while i have the brains for bomb making i choose to make cakes- I am a lover not a fighter)
-Funny Postcard from friend ellen
-2 old pictures of my 8 yr old with curly hair
-my 4 yr olds sunbeam handout- I HAVE FEELINGS (so do I and all too often grouchy)
-almost 4 yr old fam picture
-another pic of me and allen (2 yrs old)
-101 ways to praise a child card- (must look at this more often)
-2 model rocket and launcher kit- (need model glue)
-one toilet paper holder from upstairs bathroom (solid metal was being wielded as a star wars blaster)
-one PVC/pipe pool noodle light saber
-one homework weekly/activity/practice chart
-one timer- lacking batteries (removed for "bomb making" not for war but for mining applications- as explained by my 8 yr old)
-segullah business card
-my art business card (in case i forget how to contact myself)
-business card of painter who was working across the street (who loaned my mom his ladder so she could break in when she locked herself out of my house and I was in boston at a conference)
-one LED pen-Re-mission (promo item video game for teens with cancer)

-$35 off of 300 at home depot- (allen are you ever going to finish off the basement?)
-bose magnet- (must promote)
-square one art magnet (star wars theme)
-poison control number (yes i am a good mom keep it handy and have called them 4 x- ingestion of dryer sheet, jewelry cleaner, licking of toilet bowl cleaner bottle, eating of brown paint)
-trash schedule/recycling- (is it blue week or green week?)

on top- this is where it gets interesting-
-one tennis racket (baby whacking on floor)
-1 fishing pole and tackle box (you're gonna put someone's eye out with that- no concept of hooks yet)
-2 bags of big marshmallows (one open- snack/bribes)
-one kids golf club (weapon usage)
-article of faith card
-2 stressballs- one is leaking tiny green plastic beads (these are cool i don't want to pitch them)
- 2 bottle caps (used to be magnets)

-about 100 box tops in ziploc bag- 7 loose (seriously when is the next collection day?)
-temperature sensor (critical for "you need a coat" or "it's way too hot to wear that today"- mothering remarks)
-4 things of playdough (probably dried out)
-7 collages and paintings (this serves as drying rack)
-1 box of picture hanging supplies (yes you know I am constantly hanging & moving art)
- a stack of 5 checks (too loose with money I know)
-stop and shop gift cards (I think maybe they have $ on them?)
-one eleven chophouse GC (need babysitter)
-1 toy saturn V rocket (failure to pick up)
-1 toy sr71 blackbird (failure to pick up)
-1 golden ceramic train bank (used as weapon, money stolen)
-one sample of green frog pom pom trim (seriously???)
-1 toy fishing rod (almost resulted in strangulation)
-one guitar hero cereal box toy (annoying!)
- one flashlight (emergency preparedness)
-1 bag pretzels (halloween bats and jacks)
-1 mini gel ant farm
-one uncover snake book (for Christmas gift)
-key to mower (I think - i don't mow)
-glow bracelets (6)
-easter candy (squished)
-school lunch calendar (trash that son out due to flu precaution- rest of the year)
-one pinewood derby car- silver prowler (won sibling competition this year)
-pot paints
-collapsible play hut
-valentine card
-one pound bag of confetti sprinkles (caught son hiding behind chair eating)

and thats probably not everything
note this accumulation in from a relatively brief time span
to everything there is a season- my is that of refridgerator repository...

and in case you missed it my art feature interview at segullah
1.fathers day 2.30 min talk done with 3.surprise packages

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

turn out for my hero parade

Some people think a mom's life is boring-not so. Take today when I had both my boys in my upstairs bathroom and attempted to stow my curlers in my undercabinet roll out. The roll out would not go in. The cabinet door cannot close. So the door to exit the bathroom cannot open. The under cabinet pull out is made of metal and bolted into the cabinet. Yes we are stuck. I begin to panic, no phones, no food (well my baby does like to eat shaving cream- maybe that could get us through?) and that new "go fresh" soap is scented like peaches (I guess that's the backup?)

I begin to contemplate my options while I ponder the important things in life in case this is the end. The cheap casket I have made my husband promise to buy, in lieu of flowers please buy kiva loans, him finding a new hot wife, all my possessions lined up on tables at the church for people to take as remembrances of me (my dying wish). Then I decide enough of such talk, If I am going to make it out- I need positive talk, so figure I should trim my baby's shaggy hair so if we do get out he'll look good for the newspaper pictures of him sitting on my lap as a I wave from an open topped car at my hero parade when the debacle is over. Maybe they'll give me a key to the town- or at least the library bathroom or something.
No screwdrivers of course- only extra bottles of shampoo (flares?), toilet paper (okay maybe a repelling harness and ropes to lower us three stories down to the ground- I did macrame in 3rd grade?) shower curtains (clear plastic toga? slightly embarrassing- I do have to see my neighbors again) I continue scanning my tool inventory. Qtips- (maybe as tinder for starting smoke signal fire?) a Nail polish (I could paint one last masterpiece), allergy meds (if it gets too painful maybe some benadryl could ease the pain), lovenox (in case I wind up with a DVT), latex gloves (oh oh i can blow them up as balloons and let my kids play with them). Towel parachutes for my naked children? battering ram hairdryer? Maybe I could heat a curling iron hot enough to smelt down of those little crochet hook things you use to highlight hair and make it into a makeshift screwdriver?)

I weighed myself on the scale to see if the stress was bringing about rapid weight loss (not!) I take comfrot though that I have a good supply of water and dixie cups for hydration.

Still back to the problem at hand. No tool seemed appropriate. Then I thought hey I am smart mama- maybe I have superpowers? maybe?no- most definitely-yes! So with my own brute incredible hulk like force (I did consider using some green concealer or avocado masque and ripping my shirt for dramatic effects) I wrested the pull out free from it's tracks and shoved it under the sink for my engineer husband to deal with later. Watch for the made for TV movie coming on Lifetime. Yes, I am giving autographs on toilet paper squares- they are selling like hotcakes on ebay.

xo-smartmama MacGuyver out