Wednesday, June 10, 2009

turn out for my hero parade


Some people think a mom's life is boring-not so. Take today when I had both my boys in my upstairs bathroom and attempted to stow my curlers in my undercabinet roll out. The roll out would not go in. The cabinet door cannot close. So the door to exit the bathroom cannot open. The under cabinet pull out is made of metal and bolted into the cabinet. Yes we are stuck. I begin to panic, no phones, no food (well my baby does like to eat shaving cream- maybe that could get us through?) and that new "go fresh" soap is scented like peaches (I guess that's the backup?)

I begin to contemplate my options while I ponder the important things in life in case this is the end. The cheap casket I have made my husband promise to buy, in lieu of flowers please buy kiva loans, him finding a new hot wife, all my possessions lined up on tables at the church for people to take as remembrances of me (my dying wish). Then I decide enough of such talk, If I am going to make it out- I need positive talk, so figure I should trim my baby's shaggy hair so if we do get out he'll look good for the newspaper pictures of him sitting on my lap as a I wave from an open topped car at my hero parade when the debacle is over. Maybe they'll give me a key to the town- or at least the library bathroom or something.
No screwdrivers of course- only extra bottles of shampoo (flares?), toilet paper (okay maybe a repelling harness and ropes to lower us three stories down to the ground- I did macrame in 3rd grade?) shower curtains (clear plastic toga? slightly embarrassing- I do have to see my neighbors again) I continue scanning my tool inventory. Qtips- (maybe as tinder for starting smoke signal fire?) a Nail polish (I could paint one last masterpiece), allergy meds (if it gets too painful maybe some benadryl could ease the pain), lovenox (in case I wind up with a DVT), latex gloves (oh oh i can blow them up as balloons and let my kids play with them). Towel parachutes for my naked children? battering ram hairdryer? Maybe I could heat a curling iron hot enough to smelt down of those little crochet hook things you use to highlight hair and make it into a makeshift screwdriver?)

I weighed myself on the scale to see if the stress was bringing about rapid weight loss (not!) I take comfrot though that I have a good supply of water and dixie cups for hydration.

Still back to the problem at hand. No tool seemed appropriate. Then I thought hey I am smart mama- maybe I have superpowers? maybe?no- most definitely-yes! So with my own brute incredible hulk like force (I did consider using some green concealer or avocado masque and ripping my shirt for dramatic effects) I wrested the pull out free from it's tracks and shoved it under the sink for my engineer husband to deal with later. Watch for the made for TV movie coming on Lifetime. Yes, I am giving autographs on toilet paper squares- they are selling like hotcakes on ebay.

xo-smartmama MacGuyver out

12 comments:

Marcy said...

So glad you made it out alive!!
Thank goodness for adrenaline (and brute strength)!

LL said...

THE NEW HOT WIFE!
there is nothing more to say :)
I'm laughing so hard....

LL said...

well. i do have ONE more thing to say....glad you escaped.

smart mama said...

it's nice to know if something happens to us our boys have their priorities straight!

King Fam said...

I'm glad you lived to tell of the experience. You are so funny. I love the way you tell stories, seriously you NEED to write books!!

Michal Thompson said...

ha, sounds like what happened to use once when we were all playing in Dylan's room and we accidently locked ourselves in.

Jenny said...

WHEW!
You had me sweating bullets and gasping to read the next word...
All your possessions lined up on church tables to give away in your memory? Cha-ching! I want your tranquil bedroom.
(SO glad you survived!)

nanci said...

Glad you escaped! That's why (and everyone may think I'm nuts) I always have my cell phone in my pocket no matter where I go!

Swimmingmom said...

Glad you all made it out alive. I must admit, I would have liked to have seen the green avacado hulk mask . So, before stuff gets put on the table next time, do you think I could have......

Christy said...

I think you should really use green mask paint and get a picture of your ripp'in muscles! That would be a ebay best seller!
Funny lady! The kids walked out totally unware I am sure! Just another day in lego land!

Daisy said...

Lost you may be: humor is still in place!

Trueman twins said...

Way to put a positive spin on a bad situation! Thanks for the laugh and great mental images!