Tuesday, June 03, 2008

ISO evil henchmen

So my husband was flipping through the channels, and what should catch my eye but a villain in his spotless shiny black car with tinted windows. I wondered who keeps his car spotless, certainly the cruel, villainous, torturing mobster, drug lord, or criminal mastermind is not out at the local spray and wash. So I decided this must be the job of the evil henchmen -- or as the PC term is these days "entourage" (lest we disparage the posse with words like henchmen, cronies, etc which must be considered pejorative labels) So spread the word! I am totally accepting entourage applicants to add to my "legitimate (domestic) business operation". Seriously this job sells itself...

1. You can call me "boss" or "smartmother" whichever you prefer.
2. Do my "dirty jobs" (no blood we're talking poop and vomit here)
3. Be a henchman pioneer, a trend setter, you can be the first riding around small town new england with a SAHM and 3 kids in a van - now thats scary and cool!
4. "Beat down" or "rough up" anyone who tries to mess with me (I'll arm you with a full complement of nerf ball shooters and pool noodle lightsabers)
5. Carry around briefcases full of bills (lets see the electric bill, the drs office copay, the mortgage, the cc bill)
6. Get good at "laundering" (clothes and linens that is not money)
7. Follow orders -("Put that picnic lunch on ice!")
8. Get to "Escort these fine gentlemen out" (my noisy boys from the church pews)
9. Get to "Clean up the joint" (I will provide all cleaning supplies including a vacuum, steam mop, etc.)
10. Take care of a "little problem" here and there (marker on the walls, settle disputes over lego wheels)
11. Lap up the scraps from my luxurious suburban lifestyle (there are some mean dinner leftovers in the fridge and a high quality Ikea pull out bed in the office).
12. Make sure my "presence is felt in the neighborhood" (by going on numerous stroller walks and bike rides.)
13. "Protect my terf" (from grubs and do regular fertilizer treatments and ward off pooping neighbor dogs)
12. (THE PRIZE) Keep one Honda Odyssey shining like the Chrysler building. I want to see my reflection in that automatic sliding door. (and if I so much as find a school paper or a french fry stub and its all over)

But hey I only want professionals, "high quality individuals"- amateur henchmen need not apply. What kind of (mothering) outfit do you think I am running here? I mean I don't want to get caught with any bumped off webkinz in my trunk and I don't want any diaper stink being traced back to me. If you rat out my dirty secrets you'll get locked in my basement to clean and sort till you've learned your lesson.-- and you'll be begging for mercy.

P.S. BYOSnS- bring your own sunglasses and suit or the best you'll get is from the target clearance rack!
(here is my 1984 orwell prediction- one day blogs will have read back software with various voices which i wanted for this post- so it would be my voice and then whenever i use mobster terms you'd get a good deep NJ accent henchman's voice (oops I mean entourage member)


Shelah said...

sounds like you need a member of the MOFia.

Christy said...

I love this blog Hilarious!
Mothers are totally about a "Family" operation! We're just try'in to keep it real... (real clean and organized)

ps I think I can bust your launderer..I find jewels (things) hidden in our clothes all the time.

Arlyn said...

Do you hire out your henchmen?

LL said...

SO FUNNY! loved that.

Amber said...

I am in, Momfia SmartMother!!!!!!

smart mama said...

arlyn- good henchmen are hard to come by- the hourly rental rates are steep

amber- lol Momfia

Trueman twins said...

Too funny! I want my own henchmen! They'll receive the same pay as I do! I guess I'm not getting one on those wages am I?

Jamie said...

How funny! How do you think of these things? I'm exhausted after 5 minutes of trying to be clever.

Tamlynn said...

Hey! Are you dissing NJ?